I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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