i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
