with your own penis?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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