the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
