bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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