Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
