you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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