i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
