she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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