Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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