I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
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