Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
