I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Randomize
