i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
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don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
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I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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