that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
