god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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