Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
