My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
