i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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