I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
