Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
