i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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