apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
