Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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