i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Randomize
