I will die if light touches me.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
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After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
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I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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