My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I wish they made helmets for livers.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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