I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
