i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
