if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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