so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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