I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
