Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
