I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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