blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
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