I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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