you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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