I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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