I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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