Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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