I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
