kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
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Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
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I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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