Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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