You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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