your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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