he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Randomize
