just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
