yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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