Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
