Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You had me at "let me see your balls"
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
