At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
