Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
she smelled like a LAN party
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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