Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
