i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
