new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
